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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
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11:23 pm - I am okay, just stressed..
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Am I doomed to "forever be trailer camp tornado bait white trash"? Is it my fate to wind up with a deadbeat who steals, mothering children that I'm only able to support on WIC and Welfare? Is it my fate to forever be just a coveted piece of ass? I don't want to be beautiful. I wish I had no breasts. I wish I was in no way desirable. Is this the way the world is? I so badly want to be like Dr. Brown - single, but ALIVE. In my element. Unless my element is a dead-end job. Sometimes I like to emphasize that I am of the working class. Yeah, I've worked at Ramada. Yeah, I've worked at a retirement home. I've cleaned up shit, I've had chewing tobacco spit running down my arm. I AM pond scum. I don't deserve any respect. I have to make something of myself, I have to make THE BEST grades at Pitt - to get out of here, to make a future for myself, to hopefully end up in a place where I am respected. Is W&J a microcosm of the world? Will I always work long hours for near-minimum wage, with little to no time.. or worse, no DESIRE, to read? I haven't resigned myself to this lifestyle yet. I am going to FIGHT it as hard as I can.
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2008
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8:14 pm - :(
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I'm REALLY lonely. An email from a professor cheered me up for a little while, but it sucks having NOONE around..
That, and one of my friends' cousins got murdered. I felt so saddened by the news.. I hope she's alright, and I understand that I won't be able to talk to her for a while as she copes.. She's one of the few people that understands me, and I miss her already.
That, and I'll soon be finished with one of the best books I've ever read.. and it makes me really sad that it'll be ending..It's called No Place of Grace by T J Jackson Lears.
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| Saturday, March 1st, 2008
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5:40 pm - Betty
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Betty died today... or practically died, and I managed to get her to a dealership to get a trade-in. Dad had me singing up to get a Nissan Sentra.. I didn't really like it all that much. Then, I turned around and saw a Nissan Versa and I fell in love. I immediately changed my mind. But still.. that doesn't take away the pain of losing Betty.. all of those times, fighting to get up hills.. check Engine lights coming on.. actually PASSING cars on a hill and feeling so proud. Fighting with the CD player.. she was one temperamental animal... But still, she had character, and when she didn't want to do something, she effing DIDN'T. Oh Betty... Rest in Peace.. You're probably heading up to car heaven, now... With great big angel wings.. and flat land.. where you can roam with the other cars.. a land, where your transmission works perfectly and there's no snow or ice to get stuck in.. Okay, this has grown ridiculous, but I DO miss my car.
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8:45 am - Difference..
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My mom listens to me when I play the flute (or oboe).. My dad distracts himself any way he can.
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| Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
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8:46 pm - On relationships..
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This is all stuff I've probably said before. The dean asked me something, "Don't you want a normal relationship?" - I replied, "Dr. Brown is single and happy, I don't see the problem of that." I don't want a relationship. I cringe when people flirt with me, and I want to run away. Actually, in the case of tonight, I DID run away. I actually ran away from another scary nut not too long ago, too. I think thoughts like, "How can I be less attractive?" - mainly, because work is my life, and I've been hurt too much by guys like Rob and army guy, that I'm not interested anymore. All of the times that Rob has hurt me.. I finally cut the ties. I hope I can stand my ground. I've been irredeemably foolish. No, I don't want a relationship. I wish the world would leave me alone. What's the use in trusting in someone, who might not be there when I need him the most? I'd rather be alone!
In other news, I have an oboe. I have entirely too much free time on my hands, and I'm going to do my best to fill it up by A. Getting a job and/or volunteering at a historical place. B. Learning the oboe, and C. Lots and lots of reading.
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| Sunday, January 27th, 2008
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8:07 am - The worst song ever.
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Rape Me. I had to listen to it last night at work, when I was in the Dishroom. The manager refused to change the station. I was SO close to telling him just why I had quit Dining Services before, how I'd had a breakdown in the pot room. I wouldn't even have to mention all the other times that I've been scared out of my mind. I still may do it. I've spent this morning crying off and on, reliving everything.
There are two men in Dining Services that I currently have to watch out for. One, 50s. The other one is closer to my age, so I haven't panicked yet. I will if I find out that he's in his 30s and has kids or whatever.
I'm not really okay...
No one was really there for me when I was getting harassed. Okay, one dining services employee that I didn't know.. My boss HUNG UP ON ME when I told her that I was sexually harassed *Ramada*. That level of caring sticks in my mind. No one can really know what I've been through. Even though my friends showed up after the latest one, I was in the process of getting better. I'll never be okay.
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| Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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9:50 pm - Recent thoughts
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I want to get lost in a city. I want to sit in a cafe and have it start to rain, like in some movie. I want to read a book outside, maybe watch strangers walk by. Sirens aren't a big deal to me, as I live in the middle of a town. Part of me hopes that I like Europe so much that I won't come back. Lettia, you know I'll always love you. This is me being selfish and.. rebellious, I suppose. The medical system over there.. even the high gas prices and cute little cars.. I could go for it. I'd even be prepared to accept a crappy dead-end job. Maybe that's all that I'm destined for. Hell, it wouldn't be all that bad, at least I'd be putting one of my majors to use. Maybe work in a cafe, serve sandwiches and coffee.. get to know the regulars.. I love German, the language, the culture. Who knows, maybe I'll get over there and hate it. This isn't a pipe dream. It would be a shame if my education never got put to use. But at the same time, it's weird for me to have hope. I do believe that my stay in Europe will be a lifechanging experience, maybe it will make me more laid-back. I don't know, if anyone's actually reading this rambling, kudos to you.
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| Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
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7:45 am - Emotional
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I'm torn in between wanting to tell people what happened yesterday and wanting to keep it to myself and bottle it up inside me. I honestly appreciate the sympathy and empathy from Asuka and the women at the health center. I don't even want to write it down here. I can't stand to put it down in writing. Maybe I will eventually. I hope that my one professor respects me more because I did not tell him, even though while I was talking, I was shaking and clearly not doing so well. I respect him because he did not ask, he remained indifferent and intense as always. I hope I do not tell him, because that would be opening up to him and violating this unspoken professor/student agreement.
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| Saturday, November 10th, 2007
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12:54 pm - Random
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I.. want to got to India, France, Germany, and Russia after I graduate.
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| Saturday, October 6th, 2007
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2:14 am
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So, I search for hours, days, for a coffee table. I find one that looks good. I don't really pay much attention to the measurements. I buy it. Note to self: PAY more attention! Pictures can be deceiving. *sigh* All I can do is wait and hope that it's not as tiny as I think it will be..
On the other hand, my new couch and recliner are fabulous, and I've been hanging out with Diana a lot.
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| Sunday, September 2nd, 2007
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9:56 am
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The price on my great uncle's house is down to $60,000... I'm not a happy camper.
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
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12:27 am - Cleaning and more!
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I've been on a bit of a cleaning spree, getting rid of stuff... going wild and crazy selling things on amazon and ebay. Wish me luck, so far no one's bid on my ebay stuff.
I am such a typical American consumer. Get money, spend money, out with the old, in with the new. Money money money.
Went postal over stamps today. There are just so many of them. If anyone is interested in stamps, TALK TO ME.
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| Monday, August 13th, 2007
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10:56 pm - Updates
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1. I just got teary eyed seeing some old cat puke. It's all that remains of Oops. This clearly reinforces my self-image as a messed up person. I wonder if anyone understands... Pretty much all she ever did was puke, so it's strongly associated with her. Enough about puke.
2. I bought a beautiful glass/metal computer desk. I am very very proud of it. $116, including accident insurance for three years.
3. Moved into my new apartment with the help of mom and her Big Red Truck. I LOVE MY APARTMENT!!! Didn't go to Hershey Park because it was so hot. Had a very nice breakfast at Gus's in Rheems? Mt Joy? Wherever it is, highly recommend it.
4. Mom really liked the Devil's Food cake I made her. Oh and all that exercise I did earlier in the year? It's been thrown out the window.
5. Going to go see Amy Sasfai tomorrow! We are going to get pedicures and look at kittens/puppies at the pound. She's going to cook a delicious chicken dish for dinner and we're going to eat at the Bistro for lunch. :-D :-D Oh, and I get to see her kitties Pepper and Brownie!
6. Speaking of kitties, mom and I may get one tomorrow. Scratch that. Will more than likely get one tomorrow. Daffy is lonely.
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| Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
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8:42 pm - Sadness
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My grandpa died very early this morning. He was supposed to live another 2-4 months. All of yesterday, I told myself to call him. I procrastinated because I didn't know what to say and I felt so awkward having my last words with someone over the phone. I didn't get to say goodbye.
I can't help but think my dad is thinking "Told you so" - he asked me to call him and said he wouldn't live much longer.
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| Saturday, July 28th, 2007
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1:05 pm - It's official
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My paternal grandfather is dying. Cancer's gotten to his organs. I'm not all that close to him. One of the few memories of him I have is when my other grandpa beat him at arm wrestling in the living room, many years ago.
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| Friday, July 20th, 2007
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7:14 pm - SO ANGRY
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My roommate ate half my pizza without asking. I am an extremely selfish person - when I pay for something, unless I'm getting something in return... you DON"T EAT MY STUFF. This roommate never gives anything, always takes. One of my other roomies always makes extra food for me, so it only irks me a little bit when she uses my stuff. My thing is, I never ask for anything. For instance, I drove a friend around town. We missed the free meal time at the caf, she offered to cook for me. I said no. I've been shopping a lot recently and haven't bought anything. I'm honestly torn in between thinking it's a good thing that I'm not spending money... and thinking that I have money to spend and I need decent clothing. Found these gorgeous pink tennis shoes, $30. Thinking about them....
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| Friday, July 13th, 2007
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9:44 pm - le sigh
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My hopes of ever seeing or even contacting a certain someone from DC are dashed.
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| Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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3:54 pm - ...
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I'm so angry at people. I'd rather be at Ramada - sweat, stale beer, snuff, mean bosses, etc. It was only a few days here or there that I got threatened to be raped. Until Steve betrayed my trust, I had fun working with him. Sure, it's a little scary if you're all by yourself in the new part and the thought that if you were getting raped and screaming, noone would hear. Actually, according to Mrs. Sprowls, you wouldn't be able to hear through any of the doors. "If he'd shut the door, no one would have heard you screaming." Big soap, little soap, shampoo, shoe shine, shower cap, conditioner, two cups. Laundry bags. 4 glasses, two coffee cups. Coffee. Pen/paper. Potentially getting cancer from all the second hand smoke. Throwing toilet paper at people, dumping laundry over the side. Sitting in a nice air conditioned room eating lunch and watching TV with friends.
Also, if you borrow my bike, PUT THE SEAT back down to WHERE IT WAS. I just had to deal with a free bike that was too big for me, I don't need anything else killing my crotch. Thanks.
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| Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
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9:01 am - :)
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Things are going reallllly well. My size 6 jeans are no longer tight. This is such an amazing achievement because I used to be such a sedentary person, never worked out. I'm in the best shape of my life and getting better. There's a potential boy to date. I might be getting my inheritance today or at least finding out how much I'll receive. Cross your fingers that the house sells for over $120,000!!! I'm going to buy a silver Toyota Celica because I'm in love with them. I think I've accepted the fact that I'm "cool" enough to drive one. Also, I forget if I've mentioned that I'm going blonde. It'll look gorgeous with my green eyes.
Aaannnd it's Lettia's birthday!! Happy frigging birthday dude, love you! I wish I could come home, knock on your door, and surprise the hell out of you. Then we could watch Aliens, quote the entire movie, and be dumb like we always are. Miss you. Hope you like your presents, I hope you laughed... and didn't open the card before the gifts.
My roomie's birthday is coming up soon - the 27th. I owe all of my summer fun to her - without her, I would just sit in my room, hate the world, and be a nerd.
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
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11:19 pm - Jeans
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They are a little tight.... but they look very good on me. They zip up, the button closes. Size 6 jeans. I literally haven't seen that size since 6th grade. I guess my ultimate goal is a size 4. I jump for joy.
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